I Remember You

Hope is what keeps us going through the storm.

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   Rainbow Baby: A baby born after a miscarriage, still birth, neonatal death, or infant loss. After a storm a rainbow of hope always appears, hence the name Rainbow Baby.

So yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, I however did not post intentionally. I wasn’t honestly sure if I should. To me that day just isn’t something I completely feel comfortable being part of, not because I am ashamed of my losses but because I feel guilty for putting myself into a group of women where many have lost their babies at points that are far more devastating than mine. Women that remember this day have often lost their children at much later stages in pregnancy and many have even met their babies outside of the womb before they had to say goodbye. For me my losses occurred when most wouldn’t have even known about the life that was growing inside them and if they had they probably would have suffered through the loss quietly. For me though, I let it out there. I can’t suffer alone, I’m just not that person.

So yesterday I turned to the infertility page I am on and let it out there. It may not be a physical place I can go but it is somewhere I feel safe and never feel guilt. It is day’s like yesterday where a lot of us retreat as the term “rainbow baby” begins making it rounds on Facebook. It’s a term that not a whole lot of people know but recently it’s been getting some attention so I thought I would talk about it today. I placed the definition above but I wanted to explain why it’s something that is hard for some of us to see. It’s not that we don’t like the term, I think it is beautiful personally. It stands for hope to me and hope is basically what keeps me going. But, it’s also a term that I can’t even think about without feeling guilty. While I yearn to have a child, whether or not I will tell people that the child is my rainbow baby is something that eats at me often, especially of recent. You see, there’s a lot of us who feel we didn’t experience enough pain to earn that term. But, last night I came across something that helped ease my guilt. Suffering is not a competition and just because someone else may have suffered more than me it does not excuse my own pain. So while I felt guilt yesterday I do not today. What matters is that I lost something precious and no matter how fleeting my barely conceived babies were they still existed and thus they deserve to be remembered.

The day hasn’t come yet where I can say this is my rainbow baby, but when it does I think I will say it proudly. After all, the term came from the concept of it having to rain in order for a rainbow to come and I think I have endured plenty of rain.

3 thoughts on “I Remember You

  1. “”Suffering is not a competition”. Don’t ever feel guilty for feeling love and then sorrow after losing that connection. That is what makes us human and that is what makes you a loving person!

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  2. I would disagree that most women who marked yesterday have lost their babies at much later stages. I lost mine at nine weeks and know many women who lost their babies in the first trimester or who have not only mark this occasion but consider it just as important as if it had happened later in the pregnancy. It reminds me of the term Pain Olympics that has been going around lately or people will compare each other’s pain, I think they don’t deserve to grieve because they lost their baby earlier then someone who for instance had a stillbirth. We all grieve together… no matter what terminology we choose to use.

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  3. Beautifully put, once again. Just because someone else’s story is more dramatic than your own doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to feel. I felt that way about the abuse and other things I went through for a long time, like for some reason I wasn’t allowed to hurt about what had happened because so many others had it worse than I did. Pain is pain, and everyone has their story and is entitled to feel pain. I’m proud of you, and am cheering you on.

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