Facing a New Storm

 

I apologize for the amount of time it took to write this, but this pregnancy has not been an easy one. I’ve been overwhelmed and just a bit too frustrated to want to write about any of it. I’ve mentioned before that it was upsetting to go from infertility into a pregnancy that wasn’t anything like I expected, but it’s quite honestly a lot more upsetting when people don’t understand.

I know I get quite a lot of side eye when I admit that I’m not enjoying pregnancy. To be completely honest, I downright cannot wait to be done. I know it sounds awful, I am fully aware believe me! I spent years hating about every pregnant woman and I did a lot of judging whenever a pregnant woman would complain about their pregnancy. Pregnancy was all I ever wanted, how dare someone complain about something so miraculous as growing a tiny human! Yet, here I am now completely eating my words. The truth of the matter is I’m about as miserable as they come now. I am exhausted, nervous, scared, and in pain 24/7 and if you have been unfortunate enough to dare utter the words “I wish I were having twins” I apologize for how near I likely came to ripping your head off.

Growing a human is hard. Growing two humans, feels near impossible sometimes! For some reason people expect you to be thrilled beyond words that you’re growing two little babies. I don’t know why, but clearly Hollywood romanticized the idea of twins. The reality is it’s about a million appointments and at least for me it’s been a lot of knowing that anything that could go wrong just might go wrong. Obviously, I don’t know what it is like to be pregnant with just one child but being pregnant with two hasn’t exactly been the picturesque view I’d painted for myself. Yes, I get to see my babies about once a week which I know for most singleton pregnancies isn’t a thing…. but to be honest as much as I love seeing them on those ultrasounds it’s nerve-wracking. It’s an hour in which I lay there as the high risk doctor looks for something new to be wrong and lately that has been about every appointment.

I know in the end that it will be worth it. I don’t regret our twins and I am very excited to finally meet them, but I don’t feel that overwhelming happiness when I look at my twins on those ultrasounds. I did at one point, but now I just feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty that they are struggling and it’s crushing to be told at each appointment that your babies aren’t thriving. Pregnancy isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to hurt your babies and yet here I am being told that they might possibly do better if we were to just deliver them! Being told that your body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to is heart wrenchingly upsetting.  So while I understand that some women loved pregnancy and even miss it don’t tell me that I will.

There is no way I am going to miss this feeling of being completely inadequate. I will not miss the endless appointments, the bruises from the constant lab tests, the finger pricking from having gestational diabetes, the uncertainty of whether I can continue on in this pregnancy or not, and I definitely will not miss wondering if my twins are going to survive. I am terrified for them and no one is able to tell me for certain that they are going to be okay. The doctor’s both say they’ll do everything they can and for some maybe that is enough, but for me it’s frustrating. I know they can’t provide real answers when we don’t know why they are declining yet, but living in uncertainty is draining.

I am drained mentally and physically and am on a very short fuse. I’m angry and I’m sure people can tell. I apologize for how lacking in positivity I am, but I just don’t have it in me right now to be positive. I fully believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in facts and let’s just say Dr. Google should have been avoided! I’m not giving up I promise, but I need to be allowed to be sad. I need to be allowed to cry. This isn’t how I wanted it to go and honestly trying to pretend to be happy just isn’t working out well for me.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and has been praying for our little one’s! Prayer is a powerful thing and it does make me feel better to know so many are praying for them. I may be unable at the moment to properly reciprocate that, but I do truly appreciate everything people have done to help us get through this.

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Tears Can Be Healing Too

Sometimes tears are needed to heal.

Life doesn’t always give us answers, some dots they won’t connect until the years go by.

– Where does the Time Go (A Great Big World)

 

Sometimes the weight of everything we are going through is crushing. It’s so very hard to watch what I want, be given to others and sometimes it’s to people who don’t even want it. I question the injustice of it a lot more than I allow anyone to see. People tell you not to be resentful, that you might not see what those people are going through. Maybe they needed that baby more than I did, but it’s incredibly difficult to let it go. Each month that passes it becomes just a little bit harder to hold myself together.

There are a lot of days in which I don’t like myself. I don’t like how my body doesn’t want to cooperate, I don’t like how all the treatments make me feel,  I really am starting to hate these doctor appointments and feeling like a pin cushion sucks. Four appointments now in which I’ve been told my body isn’t doing what it should be. It’s more than frustrating to watch something you want so badly float further and further away from you. The world isn’t fair and sometimes it feels cruel in the way it taunts me. I’m not searching for comfort though, I know this journey isn’t easy and I don’t expect it to be. I just want to cry without being told it’ll happen eventually. Sometimes I just need to vent without the promise that all of this will amount to something because the reality is it might not. It sucks, there’s not any good way to put it. But it’s a harsh fact that sticks in the back of my mind that I might not get what I want, at the very least it may not come the way that I wanted. I want to be uplifting and inspirational, but this journey isn’t easy and it’s not fun. There’s nothing pretty about being stuck with needles and the countless doctors appointments. I’m not giving up, but I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t feel sad about it. This journey is hard and we are barely beginning it. It’s not just hard on me either, it’s hard on our marriage and it’s already had some moments where I wasn’t sure if this was going to be worth putting us through.

I feel a lot of pressure to not let people see me breaking because there are still quite a few people in my life that don’t think I’m ready. I want to appear strong and capable because to them I’m too young to be doing this. Any sign of weakness and it turns into a “maybe you should wait” debate. As if waiting is going to cure my problem. I wish so badly that I could get it across to the whole world that infertility is a disease. It’s not something that just goes away. I could walk away and more than likely I’d end up right back here. A few miraculous conceptions and people believe it’s common place. I will admit I feel the need to get everyone’s approval, it’s something I try to remind myself isn’t needed but it is there. I want people to want me to succeed and not everyone will is the reality. I know I am young, but does that make me incapable of having infertility? Does my age make me unfit to be a mother? I get frustrated because I thought I did everything right. I got married, we have the money, we have a home, but we still get met with opposition. Opposition that isn’t just from other people but also from my body.

My point is, no matter what age or point you are in this journey it’s painful. It’s not something words can cure, it’s a deep pain that isn’t easily solvable. I appreciate the support we’ve had and it’s been wonderful to see that there are so many that care and I really hope this didn’t come across as a pity party for myself. Sometimes I just need to vent in order to go on and keep moving.