Two years of negatives and three chemical pregnancies later I’m finally able to say I heard my babies heartbeats. About 8 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. It took about twelve tests to convince me as most of you know I’ve had positives in the past and they all faded and went away. To say I was expecting something to go wrong this time too would be accurate. Going through infertility and losses robbed me of my ability to believe that everything would be okay, because it’s never been okay before. Seeing those two pink lines both terrified and thrilled me, but I spent the week leading up to the confirmation ultrasound secretly worrying that something was wrong and then feeling guilty that I was even thinking of all the things that could be wrong.
The day of the appointment I was extremely nervous and to be honest I was preparing myself for something, I just didn’t realize that something was going to be TWINS. It took about five seconds for Dr. W to see those two little babies and then about a week for me to really process that not only was this pregnancy happening, I was also having twins. I wish I could say that I had some super emotional response when I heard their heartbeats, which by the way at 6 weeks I wasn’t expecting to hear, but I was so overwhelmed that he had just said twins that I just laid there completely shocked. I was amazed that these babies had heartbeats, but I was in disbelief that that image I’d had of us fawning over our one and probably only baby wouldn’t be happening. In that image’s place I’ll be honest I was imagining the chaos of having two newborns at once and I was terrified.
So to say my world kind of flipped is probably the most accurate description I can give. It seems kind of ridiculous now, but during those fertility treatments I didn’t really prepare myself for the possibility of twins. When they told me the percentage of twins that occur during the type of treatment I was doing it was only 15% which in my mind was not that big of a chance. Now I could just slap myself for not thinking about the possibility, but really it wouldn’t have changed anything. We weren’t planning for twins and I’ll admit part of me is still panicking, but after years of wondering if I’d even have my own children this is honestly perfect in its own way. Just goes to prove God is always in control. I knew I didn’t want to have an only child and I guess God decided that he was going to ensure that didn’t happen. After all the heartache we’ve been through trying to get to this point I can’t help but look at this as a gift. I shared previously that I really struggled keeping my faith when I felt like miracles were just there to taunt me. Infertility made this journey feel so clinical and sterile, these twins remind me that God was watching and he heard my prayers and worries.
As for my pregnancy, the twins are doing well. We’ve had 3 ultrasounds so far and 5 appointments. They are di/di twins which is the safest type of twins to have. They each have their own sacs and placentas which usually means they are fraternal but it could be that the egg split very early on which would make them identical. My OB says we won’t know until they are born or obviously if they are different genders that will tell us. We think that it is most likely these twins are fraternal just because we know I dropped two eggs this last cycle. Twins are automatically classified as high risk here at the Naval hospital, but because I also have Grave’s Disease I have been referred to an MFM in Palm Springs (A High Risk Specialist) who will monitor our twins growth and be watching my thyroid closely. What this means for us is we will be seeing our twins a LOT. About every two weeks I’ll have an ultrasound, which honestly I do not mind because I am such a huge worrier! As for me, I am almost out of the first trimester and have lost about 6lbs… maybe more now. I honestly do not know how because my eating habits are terrible. I pretty much crave fries and burgers. I am also almost out of the first trimester and am so ready to just watch our babies grow.
Anyways, I apologize for how long it took me to update everyone, but I have been very overwhelmed with everything. The excitement has hit us and I am now just trying to prepare myself for twin life. We’ve had to rearrange our expectations, but that is okay. This journey has not gone at all how I planned, but it’s for the best. I have stated before that sometimes you have to just believe God has a reason and I’d like to say I’m starting to see it.
The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. -Romans 8:18
Well, we have officially entered the terrifying part of this cycle…. the wait. I’m extremely nervous and excited to get a break from what felt like every other day appointments. I have a lot of fear that I’m going to let my hope build up too much and then find that it didn’t work, but I’m trying to stay positive. I continue to remind myself that isn’t uncommon for the first cycle to not work and it isn’t the end. There is still a lot we can try if it doesn’t work, but I’ll admit I’m really hoping this cycle works. Anyways, I thought I would share how our appointment Friday went along with what we are doing now!
After many appointments in which I was told my follicles weren’t responding we finally reached the day I was praying for! On Friday I went in for our 5th sonogram to check on my progress and am very happy to say I had two follicles measuring at 19.5 and 18. I can’t even begin to describe how exciting it was to see those follicles on the screen. For the past several weeks it’s been a lot of nothing there. I’ll admit had the doctor not pointed it out I probably wouldn’t have known what those two black masses on the screen were, but still it was incredibly exciting to see progress. It was decided I could go ahead and trigger ovulation so I was allowed to take my Ovridrel shot when I got home. So what now?
Well, now comes the waiting game. Since this was a timed intercourse cycle we are supposed to have sex for the next 3 days and then I am to start to progesterone suppositories Monday morning, but aside from that this cycle is pretty much over at least in terms of doing stuff. The Ovridrel will cause a positive pregnancy test so for this reason I’m not supposed to take a test until 14 days after taking the trigger, but I’m impatient so I’ve decided to torture myself by testing the trigger out of my system. If goes to negative and then comes back to positive then it is likely a true positive and not just the hormones I injected. I’m a little nervous that I’m going to experience side effects from this, but right now it’s a little too soon to know. Most of my nervousness is towards the progesterone suppositories, several ladies have warned me that they are not at all fun. Honestly, they never sounded fun and unfortunately I’ll be taking them for a while…. even longer if I end up pregnant. I am reminding myself that if I want to get pregnant I have to do this though, no matter how unpleasant.
Anyways, I am very pleased that we made it through the bulk of this cycle and that after 13 injections we were finally able to trigger! All that is really left to do is pray now!
13 gonal f injections, 1 trigger, and 5 sonograms this cycle.
Life doesn’t always give us answers, some dots they won’t connect until the years go by.
– Where does the Time Go (A Great Big World)
Sometimes the weight of everything we are going through is crushing. It’s so very hard to watch what I want, be given to others and sometimes it’s to people who don’t even want it. I question the injustice of it a lot more than I allow anyone to see. People tell you not to be resentful, that you might not see what those people are going through. Maybe they needed that baby more than I did, but it’s incredibly difficult to let it go. Each month that passes it becomes just a little bit harder to hold myself together.
There are a lot of days in which I don’t like myself. I don’t like how my body doesn’t want to cooperate, I don’t like how all the treatments make me feel, I really am starting to hate these doctor appointments and feeling like a pin cushion sucks. Four appointments now in which I’ve been told my body isn’t doing what it should be. It’s more than frustrating to watch something you want so badly float further and further away from you. The world isn’t fair and sometimes it feels cruel in the way it taunts me. I’m not searching for comfort though, I know this journey isn’t easy and I don’t expect it to be. I just want to cry without being told it’ll happen eventually. Sometimes I just need to vent without the promise that all of this will amount to something because the reality is it might not. It sucks, there’s not any good way to put it. But it’s a harsh fact that sticks in the back of my mind that I might not get what I want, at the very least it may not come the way that I wanted. I want to be uplifting and inspirational, but this journey isn’t easy and it’s not fun. There’s nothing pretty about being stuck with needles and the countless doctors appointments. I’m not giving up, but I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t feel sad about it. This journey is hard and we are barely beginning it. It’s not just hard on me either, it’s hard on our marriage and it’s already had some moments where I wasn’t sure if this was going to be worth putting us through.
I feel a lot of pressure to not let people see me breaking because there are still quite a few people in my life that don’t think I’m ready. I want to appear strong and capable because to them I’m too young to be doing this. Any sign of weakness and it turns into a “maybe you should wait” debate. As if waiting is going to cure my problem. I wish so badly that I could get it across to the whole world that infertility is a disease. It’s not something that just goes away. I could walk away and more than likely I’d end up right back here. A few miraculous conceptions and people believe it’s common place. I will admit I feel the need to get everyone’s approval, it’s something I try to remind myself isn’t needed but it is there. I want people to want me to succeed and not everyone will is the reality. I know I am young, but does that make me incapable of having infertility? Does my age make me unfit to be a mother? I get frustrated because I thought I did everything right. I got married, we have the money, we have a home, but we still get met with opposition. Opposition that isn’t just from other people but also from my body.
My point is, no matter what age or point you are in this journey it’s painful. It’s not something words can cure, it’s a deep pain that isn’t easily solvable. I appreciate the support we’ve had and it’s been wonderful to see that there are so many that care and I really hope this didn’t come across as a pity party for myself. Sometimes I just need to vent in order to go on and keep moving.