Overwhelmed but not Discouraged

 

It’s been a very tough and trying week here at the Bernal residence. PCSing is hard, I give props to the people who breeze through these things. I have hope that someday I will be able to do the same and not cringe when I hear the word moving again! I have been very overwhelmed with everything we have had to do so I apologize for how long it has taken me to update everyone! But anyways, the move is for the most part over… we are currently at the inn on base at Twentynine Palms which we will be living at for at least the next few weeks as we wait for housing to give us a place to live! It’s a little stressful I won’t lie. Today, I found myself incredibly overwhelmed because due to some issues with checking out of the unit for my husband he dropped us off at 29 last night and won’t be back here to stay till Friday! So…..me and the dogs are slowly adjusting to being here by ourselves for the next couple of days.

Anyways, we had our second infertility appointment yesterday morning. My test results were not as insightful as I had hoped they would be. Basically, I’m not getting pregnant and the doctor can’t say why yet. There are many more tests we could do…I mean seriously, there are endless tests…. but the doctor and I agree with him, have decided to treat this as unexplained infertility for the moment. It’s possible that the eggs I am releasing are not normal, which basically means they can’t be fertilized. It’s not something someone my age usually has such an issue with so there is also the chance that my tubes are blocked, but again that is not something the doctor thinks is very likely. Personally, I would prefer to go ahead with the HSG Test which would check for blocked tubes and a few other things but the doctor explained his reasoning as to why he’d like to try the treatment plan I’m about to talk about for 2 cycles before we move on. If these next two medicated cycles don’t work then we will do the HSG and depending on results we would either be preparing for IUI or IVF. Those are not timed intercourse treatments so unfortunately, those treatments have to be paid out-of-pocket. So let us all pray one of these next two cycles work!

So, the treatment plan where do I start? It’s a lot more complicated than I thought our first cycle of treatment would be let me just say that. I am going to have to call their office tomorrow for better clarification as I was a little overwhelmed yesterday but I will explain what I think I understand so far. I am to start birth control pills on the 2nd day of my period this month and continue them for a time that I still need to ask the doctor about, this is to get my cycle on track with the clinic so I don’t ovulate before they want me to and such. From there I have to schedule a sonogram with a OBGYN who will look for any cysts that may have developed. If there are no cysts then my doctor at the infertility clinic will give me the go ahead along with instructions on how to begin taking Clomid (basically stimulates ovulation), the doctor will also give me instructions on when to begin using the injections they sent home with me (this will get my body to release more than 1 egg), and then the instructions get a little less clear but from what I gather I will go in and get an injection of Ovidrel (it contains the pregnancy hormone) from what I am assuming that injection makes ovulation occur fairly rapidly after receiving it. I will be monitored throughout this process to make sure I do not release too many eggs. The cycle will be canceled and I will not be allowed to ttc if more than 3 eggs are released as that would be unsafe for me. I was a little freaked out by the idea that I could very well be ttc when I have 3 eggs waiting… I mean after all nobody really wants triplets! But I have been assured that it is not likely all 3 would be normal eggs. Basically, what this treatment is doing is trying to give me more eggs in a cycle so as to increase my chances of conceiving. I’m going into this a little overwhelmed and I’m in a bit over my head at the moment it feels like but I’ve been assured it’s a learning process and I’ll get the hang of it all soon. Also, since I will be receiving a trigger shot I can’t really test early like I normally do for pregnancy since if I test early it’s going to show positive, but it would be because of the shot.

Anyways, if you were able to follow all of that I applaud you because I’m still wrapping my head around it all. I am excited to start this treatment but pretty nervous. I do not like needles so that will be interesting… especially since they think my husband is going to be giving me these injections. But I am determined and I pray that all of this pays out in the end. I have no idea how many trips to Balboa are going to be required but my hope is that we are able to find a good OBGYN here that can coordinate with the infertility clinic well enough that we can limit the amount of trips we have to take. Our doctor seems to be used to people not living in San Diego where the hospital is so he has a good knowledge on how to keep us from making any unnecessary trips to him which I greatly appreciate.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive and given us advice, we appreciate you all and let’s just pray that this works!

Being Thankful for Small Victories

 

I went into this season with a lot of negativity towards this holiday. It’s hard to be thankful when you feel like you are being denied the one thing that would complete you. It’s the season where families come together which means that unfortunately it’s a season filled with reminders that I am still without a child and that undoubtedly makes me question a lot of things, including my faith.

For me, one of the hardest things in this journey has been keeping faith in God. I grew up in a small, Free-Will Baptist church and my faith is very important to me. I don’t talk about it often because for me this is a part of me that is very personal. I know this sometimes leads people to think that I am just not as deeply connected to God as I should be, but I feel this is just who I am and I feel my relationship with Him grows each and every year.However, it’s been hard to not be resentful sometimes or all the time… It’s difficult for me to try to understand why He would make this journey so hard on me, especially when I see people everyday that shouldn’t be having children. Keeping faith is tough and I don’t have any answers as to why God is allowing this to happen to me. I may never have answers and I would be lying if I said that didn’t bother me, but I also know sometimes that sometimes keeping faith does not come easy and that is just part of it.

What has helped me the most of late is a story in the Bible about Job. As a child I thought that this was the worst thing that could ever be done. I couldn’t even begin to try to understand why God would allow someone who obeyed and loved Him so much to endure so much pain. It seemed incredulous to me that God would kill a righteous mans family  along with many other horrible things just to prove to Satan that Job would remain obedient to God. Yet, now I can see that in putting Job through all that suffering, Job was able to witness to his friends who didn’t believe. Through Job, God showed that even though it may feel like there is absolutely no reason on this planet that you should have to be suffering He has a plan and if you keep your faith in him something good will come of it. I may not see the end of this dark tunnel yet, but I know there is a light at the end of it. Just as God gave Job double the blessings in the end, I know that eventually good will come of my own suffering. It may be a long time before I get to see that good, but God always has a reason and that is something that this holiday I was able to see a glimpse of.

Most people know that I have been waiting a long time for an appointment with the infertility clinic. It’s a very long waiting list and the last time I spoke to the appointment line I was told to not even expect to be seen until later this coming summer. To say it was disappointing would be an understatement. So it was a giant surprise this week when I got a call from the clinic letting me know a spot had opened up and it was mine! I am now going to be seen on December 21st. It may not be the big blessing I am holding hope for, but it was something and it came right when I needed it.

God didn’t however stop there this week. As some know, Mark decided to reenlist and so we have been waiting to hear where his next duty station would be. Yes, I might have been hoping for Hawaii (who wouldn’t?!) but we found out the other day we will be heading to Twentynine Palms in the Mojave Desert, in late January. It isn’t the most enchanting destination for sure, but it does mean that we will be able to continue our infertility journey with the clinic at Balboa Naval Hospital. Which is a big blessing when you think about it as Balboa is one of the few hospitals out there for military and their families that has an infertility clinic that also applies some discounts towards treatments. So while it will be a bit inconvenient to drive 4 to 5 hours to my infertility appointments it is a much better outcome than we could have hoped for. There are so many other bases Mark could have been sent to next that are much, much farther away so perhaps God was looking out for us after all! And who knows, maybe the next base we go to will be Hawaii! A girl can hope!