Facing a New Storm

 

I apologize for the amount of time it took to write this, but this pregnancy has not been an easy one. I’ve been overwhelmed and just a bit too frustrated to want to write about any of it. I’ve mentioned before that it was upsetting to go from infertility into a pregnancy that wasn’t anything like I expected, but it’s quite honestly a lot more upsetting when people don’t understand.

I know I get quite a lot of side eye when I admit that I’m not enjoying pregnancy. To be completely honest, I downright cannot wait to be done. I know it sounds awful, I am fully aware believe me! I spent years hating about every pregnant woman and I did a lot of judging whenever a pregnant woman would complain about their pregnancy. Pregnancy was all I ever wanted, how dare someone complain about something so miraculous as growing a tiny human! Yet, here I am now completely eating my words. The truth of the matter is I’m about as miserable as they come now. I am exhausted, nervous, scared, and in pain 24/7 and if you have been unfortunate enough to dare utter the words “I wish I were having twins” I apologize for how near I likely came to ripping your head off.

Growing a human is hard. Growing two humans, feels near impossible sometimes! For some reason people expect you to be thrilled beyond words that you’re growing two little babies. I don’t know why, but clearly Hollywood romanticized the idea of twins. The reality is it’s about a million appointments and at least for me it’s been a lot of knowing that anything that could go wrong just might go wrong. Obviously, I don’t know what it is like to be pregnant with just one child but being pregnant with two hasn’t exactly been the picturesque view I’d painted for myself. Yes, I get to see my babies about once a week which I know for most singleton pregnancies isn’t a thing…. but to be honest as much as I love seeing them on those ultrasounds it’s nerve-wracking. It’s an hour in which I lay there as the high risk doctor looks for something new to be wrong and lately that has been about every appointment.

I know in the end that it will be worth it. I don’t regret our twins and I am very excited to finally meet them, but I don’t feel that overwhelming happiness when I look at my twins on those ultrasounds. I did at one point, but now I just feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty that they are struggling and it’s crushing to be told at each appointment that your babies aren’t thriving. Pregnancy isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to hurt your babies and yet here I am being told that they might possibly do better if we were to just deliver them! Being told that your body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to is heart wrenchingly upsetting.  So while I understand that some women loved pregnancy and even miss it don’t tell me that I will.

There is no way I am going to miss this feeling of being completely inadequate. I will not miss the endless appointments, the bruises from the constant lab tests, the finger pricking from having gestational diabetes, the uncertainty of whether I can continue on in this pregnancy or not, and I definitely will not miss wondering if my twins are going to survive. I am terrified for them and no one is able to tell me for certain that they are going to be okay. The doctor’s both say they’ll do everything they can and for some maybe that is enough, but for me it’s frustrating. I know they can’t provide real answers when we don’t know why they are declining yet, but living in uncertainty is draining.

I am drained mentally and physically and am on a very short fuse. I’m angry and I’m sure people can tell. I apologize for how lacking in positivity I am, but I just don’t have it in me right now to be positive. I fully believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in facts and let’s just say Dr. Google should have been avoided! I’m not giving up I promise, but I need to be allowed to be sad. I need to be allowed to cry. This isn’t how I wanted it to go and honestly trying to pretend to be happy just isn’t working out well for me.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and has been praying for our little one’s! Prayer is a powerful thing and it does make me feel better to know so many are praying for them. I may be unable at the moment to properly reciprocate that, but I do truly appreciate everything people have done to help us get through this.

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Heartbeats

Two years of negatives and three chemical pregnancies later I’m finally able to say I heard my babies heartbeats. About 8 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. It took about twelve tests to convince me as most of you know I’ve had positives in the past and they all faded and went away. To say I was expecting something to go wrong this time too would be accurate. Going through infertility and losses robbed me of my ability to believe that everything would be okay, because it’s never been okay before. Seeing those two pink lines both terrified and thrilled me, but I spent the week leading up to the confirmation ultrasound secretly worrying that something was wrong and then feeling guilty that I was even thinking of all the things that could be wrong.

The day of the appointment I was extremely nervous and to be honest I was preparing myself for something, I just didn’t realize that something was going to be TWINS. It took about five seconds for Dr. W to see those two little babies and then about a week for me to really process that not only was this pregnancy happening, I was also having twins. I wish I could say that I had some super emotional response when I heard their heartbeats, which by the way at 6 weeks I wasn’t expecting to hear, but I was so overwhelmed that he had just said twins that I just laid there completely shocked. I was amazed that these babies had heartbeats, but I was in disbelief that that image I’d had of us fawning over our one and probably only baby wouldn’t be happening. In that image’s place I’ll be honest I was imagining the chaos of having two newborns at once and I was terrified.

Bernal_Sherry_6
Twins at our 6 week appointment. Amazingly, Dr. W was able to pick up both heartbeats for us to hear. 

So to say my world kind of flipped is probably the most accurate description I can give. It seems kind of ridiculous now, but during those fertility treatments I didn’t really prepare myself for the possibility of twins. When they told me the percentage of twins that occur during the type of treatment I was doing it was only 15% which in my mind was not that big of a chance. Now I could just slap myself for not thinking about the possibility, but really it wouldn’t have changed anything. We weren’t planning for twins and I’ll admit part of me is still panicking, but after years of wondering if I’d even have my own children this is honestly perfect in its own way. Just goes to prove God is always in control. I knew I didn’t want to have an only child and I guess God decided that he was going to ensure that didn’t happen. After all the heartache we’ve been through trying to get to this point I can’t help but look at this as a gift. I shared previously that I really struggled keeping my faith when I felt like miracles were just there to taunt me. Infertility made this journey feel so clinical and sterile, these twins remind me that God was watching and he heard my prayers and worries.

As for my pregnancy, the twins are doing well. We’ve had 3 ultrasounds so far and 5 appointments. They are di/di twins which is the safest type of twins to have. They each have their own sacs and placentas which usually means they are fraternal but it could be that the egg split very early on which would make them identical. My OB says we won’t know until they are born or obviously if they are different genders that will tell us. We think that it is most likely these twins are fraternal just because we know I dropped two eggs this last cycle. Twins are automatically classified as high risk here at the Naval hospital, but because I also have Grave’s Disease I have been referred to an MFM in Palm Springs (A High Risk Specialist) who will monitor our twins growth and be watching my thyroid closely. What this means for us is we will be seeing our twins a LOT. About every two weeks I’ll have an ultrasound, which honestly I do not mind because I am such a huge worrier! As for me, I am almost out of the first trimester and have lost about 6lbs… maybe more now. I honestly do not know how because my eating habits are terrible. I pretty much crave fries and burgers. I am also almost out of the first trimester and am so ready to just watch our babies grow.

Anyways, I apologize for how long it took me to update everyone, but I have been very overwhelmed with everything. The excitement has hit us and I am now just trying to prepare myself for twin life. We’ve had to rearrange our expectations, but that is okay. This journey has not gone at all how I planned, but it’s for the best. I have stated before that sometimes you have to just believe God has a reason and I’d like to say I’m starting to see it.

 The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. -Romans 8:18