Heartbeats

Two years of negatives and three chemical pregnancies later I’m finally able to say I heard my babies heartbeats. About 8 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. It took about twelve tests to convince me as most of you know I’ve had positives in the past and they all faded and went away. To say I was expecting something to go wrong this time too would be accurate. Going through infertility and losses robbed me of my ability to believe that everything would be okay, because it’s never been okay before. Seeing those two pink lines both terrified and thrilled me, but I spent the week leading up to the confirmation ultrasound secretly worrying that something was wrong and then feeling guilty that I was even thinking of all the things that could be wrong.

The day of the appointment I was extremely nervous and to be honest I was preparing myself for something, I just didn’t realize that something was going to be TWINS. It took about five seconds for Dr. W to see those two little babies and then about a week for me to really process that not only was this pregnancy happening, I was also having twins. I wish I could say that I had some super emotional response when I heard their heartbeats, which by the way at 6 weeks I wasn’t expecting to hear, but I was so overwhelmed that he had just said twins that I just laid there completely shocked. I was amazed that these babies had heartbeats, but I was in disbelief that that image I’d had of us fawning over our one and probably only baby wouldn’t be happening. In that image’s place I’ll be honest I was imagining the chaos of having two newborns at once and I was terrified.

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Twins at our 6 week appointment. Amazingly, Dr. W was able to pick up both heartbeats for us to hear. 

So to say my world kind of flipped is probably the most accurate description I can give. It seems kind of ridiculous now, but during those fertility treatments I didn’t really prepare myself for the possibility of twins. When they told me the percentage of twins that occur during the type of treatment I was doing it was only 15% which in my mind was not that big of a chance. Now I could just slap myself for not thinking about the possibility, but really it wouldn’t have changed anything. We weren’t planning for twins and I’ll admit part of me is still panicking, but after years of wondering if I’d even have my own children this is honestly perfect in its own way. Just goes to prove God is always in control. I knew I didn’t want to have an only child and I guess God decided that he was going to ensure that didn’t happen. After all the heartache we’ve been through trying to get to this point I can’t help but look at this as a gift. I shared previously that I really struggled keeping my faith when I felt like miracles were just there to taunt me. Infertility made this journey feel so clinical and sterile, these twins remind me that God was watching and he heard my prayers and worries.

As for my pregnancy, the twins are doing well. We’ve had 3 ultrasounds so far and 5 appointments. They are di/di twins which is the safest type of twins to have. They each have their own sacs and placentas which usually means they are fraternal but it could be that the egg split very early on which would make them identical. My OB says we won’t know until they are born or obviously if they are different genders that will tell us. We think that it is most likely these twins are fraternal just because we know I dropped two eggs this last cycle. Twins are automatically classified as high risk here at the Naval hospital, but because I also have Grave’s Disease I have been referred to an MFM in Palm Springs (A High Risk Specialist) who will monitor our twins growth and be watching my thyroid closely. What this means for us is we will be seeing our twins a LOT. About every two weeks I’ll have an ultrasound, which honestly I do not mind because I am such a huge worrier! As for me, I am almost out of the first trimester and have lost about 6lbs… maybe more now. I honestly do not know how because my eating habits are terrible. I pretty much crave fries and burgers. I am also almost out of the first trimester and am so ready to just watch our babies grow.

Anyways, I apologize for how long it took me to update everyone, but I have been very overwhelmed with everything. The excitement has hit us and I am now just trying to prepare myself for twin life. We’ve had to rearrange our expectations, but that is okay. This journey has not gone at all how I planned, but it’s for the best. I have stated before that sometimes you have to just believe God has a reason and I’d like to say I’m starting to see it.

 The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. -Romans 8:18 

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Being Thankful for Small Victories

 

I went into this season with a lot of negativity towards this holiday. It’s hard to be thankful when you feel like you are being denied the one thing that would complete you. It’s the season where families come together which means that unfortunately it’s a season filled with reminders that I am still without a child and that undoubtedly makes me question a lot of things, including my faith.

For me, one of the hardest things in this journey has been keeping faith in God. I grew up in a small, Free-Will Baptist church and my faith is very important to me. I don’t talk about it often because for me this is a part of me that is very personal. I know this sometimes leads people to think that I am just not as deeply connected to God as I should be, but I feel this is just who I am and I feel my relationship with Him grows each and every year.However, it’s been hard to not be resentful sometimes or all the time… It’s difficult for me to try to understand why He would make this journey so hard on me, especially when I see people everyday that shouldn’t be having children. Keeping faith is tough and I don’t have any answers as to why God is allowing this to happen to me. I may never have answers and I would be lying if I said that didn’t bother me, but I also know sometimes that sometimes keeping faith does not come easy and that is just part of it.

What has helped me the most of late is a story in the Bible about Job. As a child I thought that this was the worst thing that could ever be done. I couldn’t even begin to try to understand why God would allow someone who obeyed and loved Him so much to endure so much pain. It seemed incredulous to me that God would kill a righteous mans family  along with many other horrible things just to prove to Satan that Job would remain obedient to God. Yet, now I can see that in putting Job through all that suffering, Job was able to witness to his friends who didn’t believe. Through Job, God showed that even though it may feel like there is absolutely no reason on this planet that you should have to be suffering He has a plan and if you keep your faith in him something good will come of it. I may not see the end of this dark tunnel yet, but I know there is a light at the end of it. Just as God gave Job double the blessings in the end, I know that eventually good will come of my own suffering. It may be a long time before I get to see that good, but God always has a reason and that is something that this holiday I was able to see a glimpse of.

Most people know that I have been waiting a long time for an appointment with the infertility clinic. It’s a very long waiting list and the last time I spoke to the appointment line I was told to not even expect to be seen until later this coming summer. To say it was disappointing would be an understatement. So it was a giant surprise this week when I got a call from the clinic letting me know a spot had opened up and it was mine! I am now going to be seen on December 21st. It may not be the big blessing I am holding hope for, but it was something and it came right when I needed it.

God didn’t however stop there this week. As some know, Mark decided to reenlist and so we have been waiting to hear where his next duty station would be. Yes, I might have been hoping for Hawaii (who wouldn’t?!) but we found out the other day we will be heading to Twentynine Palms in the Mojave Desert, in late January. It isn’t the most enchanting destination for sure, but it does mean that we will be able to continue our infertility journey with the clinic at Balboa Naval Hospital. Which is a big blessing when you think about it as Balboa is one of the few hospitals out there for military and their families that has an infertility clinic that also applies some discounts towards treatments. So while it will be a bit inconvenient to drive 4 to 5 hours to my infertility appointments it is a much better outcome than we could have hoped for. There are so many other bases Mark could have been sent to next that are much, much farther away so perhaps God was looking out for us after all! And who knows, maybe the next base we go to will be Hawaii! A girl can hope!