Tears Can Be Healing Too

Sometimes tears are needed to heal.

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Life doesn’t always give us answers, some dots they won’t connect until the years go by.

– Where does the Time Go (A Great Big World)

 

Sometimes the weight of everything we are going through is crushing. It’s so very hard to watch what I want, be given to others and sometimes it’s to people who don’t even want it. I question the injustice of it a lot more than I allow anyone to see. People tell you not to be resentful, that you might not see what those people are going through. Maybe they needed that baby more than I did, but it’s incredibly difficult to let it go. Each month that passes it becomes just a little bit harder to hold myself together.

There are a lot of days in which I don’t like myself. I don’t like how my body doesn’t want to cooperate, I don’t like how all the treatments make me feel,  I really am starting to hate these doctor appointments and feeling like a pin cushion sucks. Four appointments now in which I’ve been told my body isn’t doing what it should be. It’s more than frustrating to watch something you want so badly float further and further away from you. The world isn’t fair and sometimes it feels cruel in the way it taunts me. I’m not searching for comfort though, I know this journey isn’t easy and I don’t expect it to be. I just want to cry without being told it’ll happen eventually. Sometimes I just need to vent without the promise that all of this will amount to something because the reality is it might not. It sucks, there’s not any good way to put it. But it’s a harsh fact that sticks in the back of my mind that I might not get what I want, at the very least it may not come the way that I wanted. I want to be uplifting and inspirational, but this journey isn’t easy and it’s not fun. There’s nothing pretty about being stuck with needles and the countless doctors appointments. I’m not giving up, but I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t feel sad about it. This journey is hard and we are barely beginning it. It’s not just hard on me either, it’s hard on our marriage and it’s already had some moments where I wasn’t sure if this was going to be worth putting us through.

I feel a lot of pressure to not let people see me breaking because there are still quite a few people in my life that don’t think I’m ready. I want to appear strong and capable because to them I’m too young to be doing this. Any sign of weakness and it turns into a “maybe you should wait” debate. As if waiting is going to cure my problem. I wish so badly that I could get it across to the whole world that infertility is a disease. It’s not something that just goes away. I could walk away and more than likely I’d end up right back here. A few miraculous conceptions and people believe it’s common place. I will admit I feel the need to get everyone’s approval, it’s something I try to remind myself isn’t needed but it is there. I want people to want me to succeed and not everyone will is the reality. I know I am young, but does that make me incapable of having infertility? Does my age make me unfit to be a mother? I get frustrated because I thought I did everything right. I got married, we have the money, we have a home, but we still get met with opposition. Opposition that isn’t just from other people but also from my body.

My point is, no matter what age or point you are in this journey it’s painful. It’s not something words can cure, it’s a deep pain that isn’t easily solvable. I appreciate the support we’ve had and it’s been wonderful to see that there are so many that care and I really hope this didn’t come across as a pity party for myself. Sometimes I just need to vent in order to go on and keep moving.

Whatever It Takes

Update on our journey

 

“The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow.” -Unknown

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It’s started to hit me that we are really doing this. It was exciting at first, but now I’ll admit my excitement has waned and I’m starting to feel the reality of the situation. I am bruised from the injections, which I expected to happen, but it’s now a reminder that this is happening. It’s a little scary to be honest.

I went into this telling myself it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, it’s worth it. I still believe that and I am doing my best to keep myself focused on the goal. I take comfort in the fact that some of it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The injections are actually something I look forward to of a morning, obviously sticking myself with a needle isn’t fun… but it’s me doing something and after doing nothing for so long I’m happy to be doing something! I’ll gladly take the bruises if it means that the end of this journey may come to a close at some point. As for the side effects, I’ll be honest they aren’t fun. I don’t have any headaches though, which is something I was told by several women they had, but so far I haven’t had that. I do have some stomach upset and my stomach is tender from injecting myself every morning but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Dr. L did say today that once the Gonal F starts doing it’s job I’m probably going to feel it. After all, I’m not going to be releasing just one egg so I can imagine I’ll probably get some bloating and cramping from that.

Now about my appointment today, it’s a little hard to keep hearing that this plan isn’t working and this plan isn’t going to work. I understand a lot of it is just trial and error but I guess I assumed my body would respond well to the Gonal F because I already ovulate on my own. Of course, my body wants to be difficult! So we didn’t get approved to use the Ovridrel yet… I am back on a higher dose of Gonal F for another week. I will go back on Tuesday for another sonogram and hopefully it’ll show something happening!

So for the revised game plan… we are going to do a higher dose of Gonal F, if it works we will then do the trigger shot of Ovridrel that will make me release the eggs and then I have to start Progesterone suppositories as these shots lower my progesterone levels which isn’t good if you want to get pregnant and stay pregnant. If I end up being pregnant I will continue the Progesterone suppositories until I am 10 weeks to be safe. So, depending on when we finally get to do the trigger shot I will find out if cycle #1 worked about 14 to 16 days after I do the trigger shot!

 

 

 

Infertility Appointment #1

Update about our journey, along with our first infertility appointment and Mark’s SA results.

So, Wednesday was the big day! The first infertility appointment of what is likely to be many happened and it was not anything like I expected…. So I guess i will start at the beginning.

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For those that do not know, I am being seen at Naval Medical Center San Diego or as most people call it… Balboa Hospital. It’s a huge hospital and the infertility clinic is located on the same floor as the maternity ward… which I will talk about later. Anyways, to get to the clinic you have to take the elevator and walk through this long hallway pictured above. As you can probably tell I was super nervous, but extremely excited to of finally made it this far. The moment I entered those clinic doors though, everything changed.

I was terrified. Everything became much more real when I walked into that clinic. There were people there waiting all in different stages of this journey and the one thing they had in common is that everyone was nervous. You could quite literally feel the nervous energy in the room. I was handed a lot of paperwork… a lot of it I did not even understand. I thought I knew quite a bit until then.

The paperwork ranged from genetic testing forms to acknowledging Zika Virus and a lot of stuff I don’t even know what it meant. I wasn’t really prepared to have to make decisions that day so it kind of took me off guard when I had to decide then and there if I wanted certain testing done. I’m told I can change it later on so for now I selected not to do genetic testing just for the reason that I don’t have a  reason to do it yet. Also there were several forms that had to do with my husband… who I did not bring to this appointment. Something I will note for later appointments is that pretty much everybody brings their spouse! Yes, I probably should of thought of this but I didn’t.

Anyways, I spent about thirty minutes on paperwork… I might mention it is super awkward in there too. The waiting room had about 4 couples there when I got there and everybody seemed to stare at each other as if to say, “what are you in for?” There was even a girl there that was pregnant with twins! I chose to take comfort in the fact that at least for her, the fertility treatments worked.

About 45 minutes in I was finally escorted to an exam room where let’s just say I met a very straight-forward doctor. At this clinic there are 3 doctors, all of which I will eventually meet but unfortunately for me the worst one of the 3 always sees the newbies. We will call him Dr. C. Dr.C is pretty unperson-able… I’ll be honest most of the doctors as this hospital are not known to be very good with their bedside manner because well… they are Navy, but I have heard wonderful things about Dr. L who is the main doctor at the infertility clinic and who I will hopefully continue my care through. Dr. C on the other hand I pray to God I never see again.

Dr. C was just very cynical and seemed to want to be anywhere but there in that room with me. He seemed to enjoy telling me how painful the HSG test would be, which is something I will likely be doing very soon. His decision was that we would do Cycle Day 3 and 21 blood testing to see if I really am ovulating… I am pretty certain I am but I expected we would have to confirm that. The one thing I disagreed with him on was putting off the HSG test till those results come back. I personally feel that we should go ahead and get it done since it is routine and it’s wasting time to put it off. However, that is something I will have to wait to bring up at my next appointment at the end of January.

I know infertility is a big waiting game, but man I wish it moved faster. We won’t begin actual treatment till February and that is only if my blood results yield something strange. If they do not then I will be scheduling an HSG… a test I am very scared of now thanks to Dr. C and the internet!

One other little piece of news I have before I close this out is that Mark’s Semen Analysis Results are back! His numbers were great… according to him he now has “super sperm”. So we can cross the husband off the list, so it does look like our infertility problems are because of me. I can’t say I’m super thrilled over that, but we did expect it due to me having a few things that do effect fertility. We will know more in January so until then this will likely be my last update until after we make our move to 29 Palms!

 

 

The In-between Moment

Waiting is in my experience never pretty.

 

There is really nothing new to update the world yet, but for the sake of my sanity I decided it was time to write something, so as life would have it I’m going to share about a point in every month that I don’t really like to talk about. The two-week wait…. a truly dreadful time for me.

I am currently in my two-week wait and let’s just say emotions are running high. It’s a combination of hope, dread, and of course HORMONES. For those that don’t know or remember the two week wait or TWW is a period of time in between ovulation and your monthly, bloody reminder that your dreams are dashed again. It’s pretty much the worst. You would think your period would be the worst time when trying to get pregnant but no. Trust me when I say the TWW is the absolute worst time of the month. It’s the time where you really start thinking about pregnancy and babies. Hopes run so high that you start thinking every twinge your body makes is a sign that you succeeded. You completely forget that a period also has symptoms and unfortunately they often mirror pregnancy symptoms. Also don’t forget the hormones, being so close to your possible period means that your body is basically a walking, talking factory of aggression and tears. Add hormones in to a desperate hope for a baby and let’s just say the outcome isn’t ever pretty.

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Waiting is the name of the game when trying and it isn’t at all easy to do. During this time you have to choose between preparing for your monthly, unwelcome visitor or the possibility of something much, much sweeter. I can attest to the fact that almost always the possibility of being pregnant wins. I have come to the conclusion that women’s product companies know this fact too as the tampons are almost always right next to the pregnancy tests! Let’s just say I never leave with just tampons… if I even buy tampons at all. Today was no different as I battled within myself in the aisle of the commissary, ultimately going with the overpriced pregnancy tests.

It almost feels wrong to buy tampons during the TWW, like you have already decided you have failed for the month. Of course, I hate myself every month when my period arrives and I realize I have no tampons, but my habits still don’t change. I continue to hope every month and every month my hopes are dashed. If there is one thing I could give up in this trying to conceive journey it would be the TWW. Life would be so much simpler if we could just have sex and then take a test instead of all this waiting. The waiting is what makes the trying to so hard in my opinion. It’s one of the cruelest mind games life plays on us and there’s no other way to describe it other than to say it sucks.

So that is where I am right now. If you see me this week you’ll probably notice I’m on edge. I feel like crap because PMS sucks, I am exhausted from hoping that it isn’t PMS, and I am overly emotional. Just know that if I snap at you it isn’t intentional and I’ll be back to normal in a week. Right now though, I am busy praying every single day/spare moment that God will give me what I want already and I am trying to hold it together as I very impatiently wait for my turn.